Journaling is supposed to be a cathartic experience. I am obviously blind to the merits as I keep running away from it. I lack the discipline to do it regularly but once in a while is something of a start.

I am a neuro junkie/ book nerd. I have always looked for answers in books. When I saw the image of a CT scan image of a woman kissing her child on the forehead all the regions in the brain that were glowing up made me realize that I do that and I can do a little more of that every day. Heaven knows me and my kids need more of the feel good hormones. 

Zunaira is a delightful first grader and never ceases to amaze me with her punk and strength. I had penned a beautiful note for her when she was a toddler which I now regret is lost with the old i phone that died.

What am I thankful for today...... Being alive and safe in these times. 

Being able to provide a groundwork for my kids education 

Being able to see them grow and interact with teachers and peers in this online learning set up.

Being given the gift of one more day of life which I can use to do something positive.

Reflections of a forty your old nothing.

Have you ever wondered who you really are? Self introspection is so critical . I learnt it the hard way. Its so easy to focus on being wronged that you lose sight of your unpleasant image staring at you imploringly. Its not the same as being hard on yourself, Self compassion is a good ally too. To soothe the searing pain when you realise that you are not the wronged one but the perpetrator. I cannot even make sense of anything right now. Speaking up and advocating for yourself in a non emotional manner is a skill I could really do with. 

What  am I doing with my time in this world? What good or positivity can I lay claim to when I am on my death bed. I am raising two kids. I have immersed myself in this one role that it has obviated my ability to work on other relationships, I do not do self growth or nurture what brings me joy. The resulting alchemy of bitterness and disappointment makes me immune to the small delights that life has to offer, 

I do not know how to be happy. What would make feel like I am basking in warm sunshine on a beautiful winter morning. I think happiness lies in giving and spreading love and compassion. Have I really invested some of my time in cultivating and nurturing friendships? To an extent yes. Where do I get the confirmation of my good soul from.... wish someone would write an appraisal report for me. Sneaking out from vast pages of innane things would be the moments when I took the time to listen to a wounded heart and sought to comfort the person sharing the traversties of their lives.

I agree I am beyond blessed. I am thankful but I do wish my heart would sing out aloud in happiness with gratitude. As long as you can live to see another day there is still hope that a bud will blossom and spread its fragrance all around. 

Appearances can be deceptive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A friend recently remarked that she had no idea that I could pen a blog. To that I say APPEARANCES CAN BE DECEPTIVE at times. Thank you Garima for sparking off my otherwise latent brain, helped me come up with this post.
I was thinking about this innate need we possess to present a likable a more amiable version to the world.Even though its not a consciously thought out move I find myself going through PHASES and in every single phase a new. distinct and hopefully unique facet of my persona comes to the fore.There are times when I can talk incessantly enough to chop off people's heads and then I can be reticently quiet and thoughtful(which gets misinterpreted as aloofness).
I can be a subtle pacifist, hate the negative vibes from arguments and bad blood of any kind but I am quite capable of retaliating in equal measure when pushed to the wall.I could be the one taking the initiative or be simply happy to follow .I am capable of wallowing in self pity and feeling victimised and then again inspired and energised enough to change the world and make it a better place :) I am a bundle of contradictions (more on that some other time)
For that matter every single person you come across in life is an enigma, time, situations unravel one layer after another to reveal a picture which may or may not be the way you had imagined it to be. I guess that is how you get to discover yourself.
How many times have we been told with occasional condescence" Do not judge a book by its cover". An inherently rebellious streak makes me scoff at such oft repeated idioms. I would rather take a circuitous route and discover the wisdom if any behind them on my own.And I did just that and it struck me just now how literal these idioms can be.I have always have had to fight my way through the first few pages of a book(mostly novels), find them dull and morose, Be patient I tell myself, the intriguing and fascinating stuff may just be a few words away.When I am on the verge of quitting, something rivet ting comes up to ensnare me into its world. Skimming through the pages half heartedly gives way to a state of enrapture, I want to absorb every single word and let it filter down slowly.the premise of the novel enlivens in front of my eyes warping me in an exquisite time/space/era capsule. You get a glimpse of places you have never been to,people and their cultures, experience different eras and be a part of events which shaped the future. Its like going to www.bing.com, love this search engine only coz they put up beautiful picturesque sights from around the world, its a visual treat.
Reading made me realise that there are far more important things happening around the world than me fretting over not being to get the gorgeous dress I had my eyes on for a long time :)
Women tend to look at the humane aspect of any story.We look closely at the characters sometimes in excruciating detail to find something in common, guess its the self redemption urge and then that person or character becomes the protagonist or it could be the other way round, just identify and empathise with the protagonist and then get ready to be drawn into the complete emotional gamut, the highs and the lows, the exaltations and the disappointments, love lost and found Whew women are suckers for sob stories. Living vicariously is what the world of fiction is all about. Lemme warn you about the downside as well. When I am reading a novel I end up living it up completely and I cant stop talking about it.My hubby has to bear the brunt, the last book i read was Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini and by the time I had finished it I had inundated my hubby with all the tidbits about afghanistan,terror,guilt,running away from terrible secrets of the past only to let it gnaw at your insides,emigration to big apple.All my conversations would inevitably end with a reference to an event or a character in the KITERUNNER. I am afraid he isn't going to be too keen to pick up the paperback or watch the movie by the same name any time soon. :)

I am back again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am back and raring to go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This three year hiatus may seem a tad too long but i truly believe that with as with all the other things in life this was for the best and everything happens for a reason which is sometimes difficult to comprehend. I was fortunate enough to experience the myriad hues of life...... marriage , love, laughter, the trepidation when you leave the warmth of your cocoon and step out to face the challenge called life, learning to accept with grace and equanimity when your relationships get redefined, recover fast enough when your life takes an unchartered course, hold on tightly to your seat as you await the next big thing on the roller coster of life. Simply put even though i was in hibernation I was unconsciously imbibing a lot of innovative ideas and get ready to hear my take on just about everything.( I can rationalise just about anything!!!)

My inspiration however is my niece Nash Khan, her delightful blog made me rediscover the joy of writing , the way she uses words as a medium to splash her canvas with the most vivid of colours makes me marvel at the sheer resplendence of her imagination and her innate ability to enliven any thing that she likes.I owe you one Nash. You should check out her blogs on all things yummy, you left me craving for chocolate even more, they should come with a warning for the diet conscious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! wish i could go back to being a teen though when i was one i just couldn't wait to grow up. Whew the paradox called life.
Have fun and keep smiling

Afterthoughts

Very few can remain impervious to the allure of success and its axillary (The Feel Good factor ofcourse) and I have no intention whatsoever to join their ranks not just yet.
Well how does one figure out what it is you can be really good at? Do you just keep looking till you discover your true calling or am I getting too metaphorical here?

Take my case , I am a masters in biochemistry, dabbled in corporate reaserch for a year and was learning the ropes when I had to shift to the Clinical side , Central Laboratory of a 350 bedded hospital!!!
Saying the job is a lil on the monotonous side would be the understatement of the decade if not the century. To satisfy my urge to do something more constructive with my time I take classes where I unleash my version of biochemistry on a batch whose attention is captured by whether the syllabus gets over in time or not.
Life was just going on fine when one day and completely out of the blue I started blogging and Viola discovered it was too much to my liking.Its a lot of fun, my creative musings have found an outlet, no boss, no constraints,
I can be a word churning machine one day and hit a writer's block the next day, Ah the joys of uncertainty.
It does definitely make me feel good but I would like it more if the quotient got upped a lil bit, I mean I aint hear no deafening applause here he he.
The only blip on my seemigly perfect radar is how to get people to read my blogs? Friends and family are going to be the obvious unsuspecting victims but how do I navigate away from them and widen my nets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Any suggestions????????

The Feel Good Factor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Feel Good Factor( FGF) is fast becoming ubiquitous ,staring at us from giant billboards, newspaper and television ads with the advertising honchos doing their darndest best to convince us that their products will make us feel good.
"To feel good you need to look good" this perpetual myth will be milked to its last drop by the billion dollar industry it feeds.

To me it offers a fascinating peek into the human psyche,its not only the driving force but also the cornerstone in the elusive search for happiness.

Think about it, every single thing we do is dictated by the innate desire to excel, to leave a mark, to stand out from the crowd.
Why do we crave for success so much? coz along with the innumerable perks it brings in its wake the indomitable magic potion of recognition and appreciation from the peers, family and the whole wide world , its a powerful aphrodisiac!!!!!!!!!!
Oh Boy! It must be an exhilarating and totally addictive high when people around you cant stop raving about your work and the moolah starts flowing in.
Must be motivation enough for workaholics to keep working round the clock like zombies.
Researchers will attribute this high to a chemical concoction of adrenalins and endorphins released into the blood stream at just the right time !!
Just imagine a small dose administered intravenously or in a fruit will do the trick but nah it just wont be the same.
You have to work your ass off doing something you really like to get the real kick and FEEL GOOD!! :)

Resolutions

The Creative juices are flowing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two posts in as many days should be adequate proof that I am now well past the dreaded ignition mode.

Well I usually start off with the best of intentions and resolve solemnly that I will stick to them or atleast take it to its logical conclusion but more often than not I would have wandered a little off track even before I have realised it.

Have lost count of the no. of times I started to keep a diary only to find it a year or two later with entries made only in the first few pages.
Exercise and trying to keep up a beauty regimen of some sort have met with the same fate.
As a discerning and conscientious individual( Well I can always resolve to be one) I set about to do a Why does this happen all the time analysis
This smacks of lack of indiscipline, the will to go on and on and on !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
a case of acute indisposition threatening to assume alarmingly chronic proportions .

Hey wait a second or maybe it could be that I am a free soul and sticking to these resolutions (though altogether not too disagreeable) will change the very essence of my soul and when I break away from all this trappings I am subconsciously doing myself a big favour , going about life the way I want to.

Now you know How I can wriggle my way out of anything(which is self imposed in the first place).

Height of Laziness

Hellooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had signed up for this space in the bloggers world sometime around march with all the zeal in the world and the indulgent belief that there is a writer hidden in me just lurking beneath the surface waiting for a chance to spring out from oblivion to fame and posterity he he and here I am five months down the line and the blogspot still awaits its first posting.

I have always yearned for that kickstart approach which gets you going but invariably I end up becoming a perennial victim of the starting problem ok enough of my making up excuses let me start rolling.

There is absolutely no dearth of burning current issues these days , reservation fiasco that is being foisted on a hapless but defiant student community in India,the resurgence of threat of terror in the skies, young south Asians esp the muslims having to bear the brunt of a new breed of racial discrimination, Israel wreaking havoc on Lebanon,India's foreign policy going for a toss with all the kowtowing to the Big B on the nuclear front and I happen to have an opinion on each of them but keep it to myself which is quite normal as I belong to the passive species of this world.

However amidst all this turmoil the one thing that lingers on in my mind is the growing mass hysteria about supposed miracles. Is it because deep down we recognise the fact that we are mere mortals and need to believe in the power of the supreme being.

Just for Fun

Hello Everybody,

Just thought blogging would be a fun thing to do.

Well I guess it opens up avenues for amateurs who find penning down thoughts in a structured manner very cumbersome.

Become a blogger n you can think out of the box,
let your imagination take you on an odyssey,
explore the horizons,
let others see the way you look at the world.
let them know about things n people that make life worth living,
have an opinion on issues that really matter
make a difference however small

So lets get going n have lots of fun,

Parveen